Two weeks before Christmas, and all through Baghdad,
Not a sign of Saddam, that infamous cad.
His arms caches were hidden all over with care,
In hopes that new rebels soon would be there;
The Baathist diehards were all snug in their beds
While visions of suicide bombs danced in their heads;
And Bremer in his PJ’s, and Gen. Sanchez in his cap,
Had just settled down for a short, fitful nap,
When up in Tikrit, they heard of some chatter,
They called 4th ID to see what was the matter.
Away to HQ the spooks ran in a hurry,
Could it be they’d picked up the trail of Al-Douri?
Now finding Saddam amid all the street fighting
Was like waiting for fish that don’t feel like biting
But that night they found something to make them all merry:
One of Saddam’s errand boys, singing like a canary.
He told them of two farms that were right down the lane,
They knew in a moment it might be Hussein
Gen. Odierno shouted, and his troops they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Infantry! now, SpecOps! now, Intel and MP’s!
On, Apaches! on Blackhawks! on, Bradleys and Humvees!
Grab your gear and mount up, c’mon, move fast!
Get down to those farms and go kick some ass!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So down to some farmhouses the 600 men rode,
With a convoy of whup-ass all set to unload.
The lead Humvee blasted right through the front gate.
But where was Saddam? Was that source just a bait?
Then one keen GI saw a hole plugged up with foam,
And guess what it was? Saddam’s new home!
He was dressed all in rags, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
And what did he say, at the moment of checkmate?
”I’m Iraq’s president! I wanna negotiate!”
His eyes -- how they glazed! His cheeks, how hairy!
His hair was a rat’s nest, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn out in a frown
’Cause he knew he’d been beaten in his own home town.
He was thin, pale, and haggard, a right sorry sight,
And the soldiers all laughed at his pretend might;
They put him in flex-cuffs, and though it seemed weird
The docs checked him for lice, and then shaved his beard.
He spoke not a word, but stared out into space
(It might be he’d just thrown Bush the 2004 race.)
And so that everyone would never more fear Saddam
Bremer called in the press, and just said “We Got Him!”
So Iraqis and GI’s, they all cheered and hollered
And the Prez went on TV announcing Saddam had been collared.
But I heard Bush whisper, as he put down his text,
"Merry Christmas to all…and Osama, YOU’RE NEXT!!!”
Dedicated to the American Soldiers who gave a nation they barely knew the greatest gift of all this year: Freedom.