Frank J. at IMAO is soliciting military stories (either first- or second-hand). Well, here's a second-hand one from my Pappy ThiefDad's era, waaaaay back in the snows of Kunsan AB, Korea, in 1974...
(Disclaimer: I am nowhere near a military person, and all the details of this story are from memory. So if I get a detail wrong, I apologize in advance.)
My dad was a WSO in F-4 Phantoms (otherwise known generically as a GIB - Guy In Back.). Every once in a while the flight crews would have to be tested on their knowledge of emergency procedures, e.g. engine fires, power failures, all the many things that can go wrong when you are strapped into a big hunk of metal carrying 20,000 pounds of fuel. The officer in charge of this testing, however, was a Major Hardass (since I never found out the guy's name, that's what I'll call him).
Maj. Hardass lived up to his name, and during one of the tests, he marked down the test of one of my dad's squadron mates. The test question itself was pretty simple: What do you do if your front tire blows out on takeoff?
My dad's friend answered this question perfectly (IIRC, throttle down and deploy drag chute). Maj. Hardass, however, marked his answer wrong. Why? The I's in the answer were not dotted. My dad and friends all thought this was a very chickenshit thing to do ("Son, back in those days it was all chickenshit." -- ThiefDad) but then again, Maj. Hardass was in charge and they weren't.
And the matter would have rested there, but for the fact that barely a week later, Maj. Hardass's front tire blew out on takeoff. In his confusion and panic, the good Major forgot to deploy his drag chute, and his Phantom ended up skidding off the end of the runway. Thus, the joke went around the squadron that Maj. Hardass didn't remember it because he was too busy dotting his i's. Maj. Hardass did not appreciate this humor, and did what he did best...make life unpleasant for the entire squadron.
So, in order to cut the Major down to size, my dad and a few of his close friends concocted a plan. On their next leave in Seoul, they went to a sex shop and bought a rather large and realistic looking dildo. They smuggled said dildo back onto base, went to the base machine shop after hours, and stood guard while my dad hollowed it out on a drill press ("I still laugh a little every time I use a drill press now." -- ThiefDad). Finally, they snuck into the cockpit of Maj. Hardass' Phantom, and placed the hollowed-out dildo over the drag chute handle, leaving behind the following typewritten note:
"Dear Major: Next time your front tire blows out on takeoff, just reach for something familiar."
Of course, Maj. Hardass was pissed...but he never marked down a test on punctuation grounds ever again.
And no, he never found out who did it. ;)
Posted by Thief at April 13, 2004 03:47 PM
